Just Jokes

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. 
He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. 
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" 
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait." 
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A beautiful young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her

hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court

and took to the witness stand. The charges were read out, and she was asked

how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically. The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on

the 11th of December, last year, you committed acts of gross indecency with

a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car,

whilst travelling at over 100 mph through the center of London, in a blizzard, 
and you were totally nude?" The woman composed herself, looked straight

at the prosecution council and calmly said, "What was the date again?"
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They bought me a box of tin soldiers,
I threw all the Generals away,
I smashed up the Sergeants and Majors,
Now I play with my Privates all day.
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Q.    Which moves faster: heat or cold?
A.    Heat, because you can catch a cold.

Q.    What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
A.    There was some money in the kitty!

I hate sex in movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink 
spilled and that ice, well it really chilled the mood.

Q.    What is the difference between your sister and a Cadillac?
A.    Not everyone has been in a Cadillac!"
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"A study says that U.S. students are scoring higher in math. 
Apparently teachers are getting them into working with bigger numbers 
by having them solve problems based on the Wall Street and automakers 
bailout plans." - Jim Barach

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Don's wife had recently died and she was being buried. Don was 
sobbing and was being consoled by his friends. "Don't worry Don, in 
five or six months you may meet a beautiful lady who will make you 
happy." "I know, I know," says Don, "But what am I gonna do tonight?"
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"A cantor brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing 
voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for 
$750,000." There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, 
from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman 
is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"
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